Moment of Clarity

I took an unplanned hiatus from writing. When I say it was unplanned, it was not expected. Nor, was it voluntary. Basically, the gift stopped gifting.

I was scared as fuck.

The words were a struggle. There were times where I managed to get words on the screen, but then the thought would fall flat at some point in the process, forcing me to walk away. The struggle, has been trying to figure out the why. Whether I was walking away because there was no more story to tell. Or if I was walking away because I was afraid that I no longer had what it took to finish what I started. Imagine it being ‘a thing’, for over a year. I think the last book that I wrote was a 2-book series titled, Promise Me You Won’t Let Me Fall.

Developing that project, was a time of major confusion for me.

I had lost faith in myself. I had become confused about who I was as a creative. I had become afraid that I had lost ‘it’. It was also during that time where, for the first time, I began to experience panic attacks on a regular basis. Ever since I have been dealing with that, I have tried to find answers to what was happening inside. And then when I found it more and more difficult to find my answers, something hit me…

Have you ever looked up and realized that you are the person that pours into everyone? That you’re the person that people feel like they can come to/talk to? But then you’re so busy doing your ‘duty’ of assisting, that you leave you… behind. You become consumed with being the answer for everybody else, but then still have hella questions that need to be answered for you. So then you become stuck in a space with concrete walls that you can’t climb out of. Then fear kicks in. Doubt comes right with it. Feelings of inadequacy.

All of that… happened with me. In relationships with men. In relationships with friends. And then you reach a point where you’re used up. There is nothing left… for you! That was why I couldn’t find the answers that I needed to… move.

Then I had a moment of clarity.

I felt it, but couldn’t put it into words—until today. I just had my website remodeled. Just had my branding board done. Decided on how I was going to approach the writing and social media and all of that. But then, when it came time for me to roll out the new process, I froze. I literally stepped in my own way again and couldn’t move. Then I figured out why. It wasn’t enough that I realized it. I needed to speak it. That was the only way that I would feel like I was releasing. And so that’s what this blog post was about. This is the voice.

That’s it. I feel a little freer. And I hope that I was able to express my thoughts clearly to you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your continued support. It means so much more than you will ever know.

XO